Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
