i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
