Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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