I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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