get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
What drink are we having for lunch?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
