Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
