Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
