Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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