omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
