I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
