If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
