2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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