So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You pole danced in your parka.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I smell like Dick and happiness
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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