After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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