last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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