Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
