My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
