"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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