I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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