All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
