any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.