So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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