So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister