Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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