Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Boobs speak an international language.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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