I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
