your room smells of hookers.
And success
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
