you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
