just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
