hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
