no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
