sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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