You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
