im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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