I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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