Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
