Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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