Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
