I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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