i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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