ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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