i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
