Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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