Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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