I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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