i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
