Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
