he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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