I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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