so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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