Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
