is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
