oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
