He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
