Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
