I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
