Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
