i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
