Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
