Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
