This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you had me at cake vodka
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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