the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
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Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Come share oat with me in your robe
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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